love at the end

Out of the gaslight

Off the roads we've travelled on

Down by the wayside

Against the sheen of Babylon

I've seen an empire

Taste the tempest of a gathering strong

But I found Love at the end of the world...

Chicago is many things. It is cold, in more than just the weather. It is alienating despite being full of connection. It is violent + loud. It is harsh + overwhelming.

It is really, really beautiful.

It is the end of the world in many ways.

My rabbit's runnin'

On the street hot heels of Rome

My hour's comin' to reconcile with the dawn...

I moved to Chicago full of hope + faith. Most everything fell into place + I knew it was the right thing. I have always had a tendency to just up + move if I hear a call wherever that may be.

It wasn't really my first choice. I really was more interested in quieter places, preferably in the South...but this was where I knew I was supposed to go. I wanted to find a place I could be quiet, I wasn't completely sold on this noisy place. But I was okay with it, I really loved the city + would get little heart palpitations when I saw the skyline (still do sometimes) + I had people I cared about there. God was taking me somewhere + I had lots of great feelings despite family members' concern over my safety in a crazy place like Chicago.

As much as I thought I had it all together, or all figured out...or wasn't concerned with details, maybe, I definitely was not prepared for what I was in for.

I'm on the brink

I'm on the brink

I'm on the brink

But I found Love at the end of the world...

I started losing things.

First, my shoulder required a second surgery, I was a prisoner to my body's failings again. 

Next, I wasn't able to return to work because of my shoulder.

Then, I couldn't pay my rent because I was out of work so I lost my space.

There was a darkness that I didn't notice folding around me.

I found myself struggling with myself. Or a version of myself I didn't recognize...she was bitter + negative + even I didn't like her at all.

It was cold.

I found myself confessing to someone close...

"I don't feel love..."

"But...you know you're loved, right?"

"Well, I know I'm loved," as I pointed to my head, "but I don't know I'm loved..." as I pointed to my heart. "I think maybe I'm just not wired that way, to know Love that way..."

Finally I lost my relationship of a year, my heart broke.

+ I had nothing.

Tell the reaper

Tell the repo man

I've got nothin' that belongs to him

Ruin pushes rubble in the city of sin

But I found Love at the end of the world...

I kept going.

I trusted + I had faith + I just kept moving forward.

I prayed + I fasted + I worshipped.

I found a job + a place to live.

But I hurt + I was afraid.

+ one night I realized I had to ask for the thing I wasn't sure I wanted, because I didn't know it. How can you know if you'll want something no one can explain + you've never experienced? But I had to ask. I made my case with tears streaming down my face + my hands clenched...

I remember asking God just to do it, to fill every crack in me with His Love. I told him I didn't really know what I was asking to get myself into, but I knew that if I didn't get it I would die. I said exactly that.

Out of the good night

I was born in to Your arms

Like You're my country

Like You're the hills where I belong...

I honestly don't remember if it was exactly the next day, but I found myself at my church. In service, during worship, of course.

I definitely had not know what I was asking for, but I was right that I needed it.

+ so He completely overwhelmed me with everything He is...which is Love. As we sang lines about amazing grace,  I sensed + knew that Love in every part of me.

Turns out we're all wired that way.

Even me.

Out of that good night

I was born into Your arms

You are my country

Like the hills where I...

I found Love at the end of the world...

I've never been one to listen to much "traditional" worship music, when I found artists I could connect to I felt this relief like "Oh, good, there's other weirdos like me out there..." John Mark McMillan was one of those artists for me, like someone was writing about real things.

During this time of my life, Borderland was in heavy rotation. I walked everywhere because I couldn't afford a CTA pass (thankfully, everything I had to get to was at most a 30 minute walk from my apartment...though there was often still snow), so I would just put my headphones in + sing + worship my way to my every destination. I could probably write volumes + novels about how almost every song on that album spoke into that period.

Shortly after God answered my prayer full force, I was walking to work. The weather had finally started to warm up after the polar vortex crushed us all, + the sun was shining as I enjoyed this usual trek. Chicago's skyline framed my whole view on my way to my job, + the sun lit it up perfectly that day.

As I stepped across an exit with no visible crosswalk, looking carefully so as not to be hit by a car trying to rush onto the highway to get to work, this song, "Love at the End" poured into my ears (I play my music pretty loud).

+ getting myself safely onto the sidewalk of the overpass, with some of my favorite landmarks in sight, I thought to myself, "I really did..."

+ then I lifted up my face + my hands, + grinned, + sang along...

Tell the reaper

Tell the repo man

I've got nothin' that belongs to him

Ruin pushes rubble in the city of sin

But I...

I found Love at the end of the world

flow

It's kinda funny, I've noticed some people are very sensitive to change, they see every little one, + others (ahem, me) are almost so fluid with change that they barely see all the little ones that lead into big ones.

"Adaptable" is a word that gets used to describe me a lot. I look at like I float so seamlessly with the river that I'm just enjoying the flow into my big ocean destination.

So when the ocean is my focus, I have to come up for air here + there to appreciate the change in where I am along the way. I'm loving the feel of the water swirling around me too much to note the new bend in the river if I don't make myself look.

If you're like me, other people help you take a breath + see your progress. They take your hand + show you what to marvel at, what's inspiring in your own life, how monumental even the little swirling pools along the way can be.

"How does it feel to be doing that new big thing?"

"You seem so much happier now!"

"I'm stoked for you!"

"That's amazing, you're amazing..."

"You've come so far, you're doing so great."

When I signed up for my first challenge group, my eye was on the ocean of stabilizing + strengthening a shoulder that had been through two major surgeries, a lot of painful therapy, + consistently dislocated doing the most random, normal things (+ that hurt so bad all the time, radiating between the point where I first tore it + my elbow, just encompassing my whole upper arm). I wasn't convinced the pain would stop completely, but I knew I could at least get the dislocations under control to some degree + become strong.

I threw myself into PiYo + drinking my Shakeology every single day. I didn't even wait for my challenge group to start, + then when it did it just took my determination to the next level with the accountability.

It took me a little while to notice that my arm/shoulder/elbow almost never hurt anymore. One of our assignments was a kind of check-in of non-scale victories, so I did a little personal audit + was all "Feeling more confident...oh hey...I'm not in pain all the time...!"

It took me even longer to realize I was losing weight + inches + there was tone that wasn't there before.

It helped that I temporarily moved in with my parents to help them with some stuff, so my mom (always mom, ya know? Moms just notice that stuff...you're either too skinny or they're "gently" suggesting some healthy changes...) was around to be like "Dang, look at you."

+ then I started coming up for air more, kept my head out of the water to keep an eye out for dips + swirls + bends on this journey. I was impressed when I lost 5lbs. I woke up + saw abs in the mirror one day. I saw my jeans were a lot looser in the waist + a little more snug in the glute department (hello). + then 10lbs down. + then I put these pictures together on Instagram the other day:

I wasn't sure anyone else would really see the difference...but so many did, + not just the half of my head missing hair now. I got a bunch of texts + messages all with "holy cow" sentiments.

I realized when you go with the flow too much, when you don't come up for air often enough, you also don't get to feel the sun on your face a great deal.

+ we all know we need that vitamin D.

This is why I love doing things the way we do with our teams + groups + coaching with Beachbody. I don't just get to help others find their flow, but I get to enjoy mine a little more too.

I love getting to share the sunlight.

It's just too lovely not to.

dads are picky eaters

My dad happens to be a notoriously picky eater. I wasn't sure he'd even try ShakeO, let alone be making sure he was set up to have it shipped to him every month. See, my old man grew up in the midwest, where meat + (white) potatoes reign (+ a side of vegetables), + that means he won't even look at an avocado or kale unless it's on my plate or my mothers (where it belongs!). Dad doesn't do vegan...one time my mom said I could make him dinner since she wouldn't be there + his response was "Yeah...but Alexis makes Alexis food..." Womp womp. (To be fair, that is somewhat true, I can't even look at a piece of meat so whatever he really would have wanted was pretty much out of the question.)

But it turns out that he's serious about losing weight, + because of a condition he has with his back that means no workouts...which means looking at nutrition. The lucky part of that is nutrition is about 80% of any weight loss battle.

My dad knows this because his degree (from back in the stone ages...haha, get it? He's old!) is in sports management + fitness. So when I say his nutrition is lacking, I don't mean he eats tons of junk, but he is admittedly addicted to sugar (welcome to America, here's your soda + your diabetes) + tends to look to that when he's had a stressful day as a comfort.

Also, his spinal condition puts him in crippling pain 90% of the time, with the other 10% just being really really bad pain (hence the no workouts thing). While we wait for him to get treatment for that, keeping him healthy otherwise is a priority, + lucky for us that matches up with his weight loss goals.

Get healthier + the weight tends to drop off.

So even after initially not caring for the way his first shake turned out (sometimes it takes some tweaking how you make it to arrive at the texture or flavours that work for you, just like anything else, we're all different. I put ice in my parents' shakes when I make them because that works for them, where I prefer no ice at all, let's hear it for individuality!), he wanted to stick with it. He liked the flavor, after all, + even asked me if his monthly order would be automatic (Hello, what, who are you?). Then just a few days in he walked in + told me he could tell his sugar cravings were already curbed, he just wasn't really feeling the need. Then he told me how it's usually a struggle not to cave + pick up a soda + his favorite candy bar, Mounds, on his daily grocery store trip on his way home from work...but he just hasn't wanted it.

This is huge to me (+ my dad, obviously) for a couple reasons, but mostly because I've genuinely never known my dad not addicted to soda. Even when I was growing up, he was this marathon runner that would have a soda almost every day...+ some form of chocolate. Well, now he's getting his chocolate fix from Shakeology + loving it. So I created this little Mounds-inspired recipe for him, + he loved it! He's not the most expressive, but I can tell you that "this is actually really good" means "this is the best" in Wayne-speak. Wink wink. 

Wayne's ShakeO Mounds Bar Recipe:

• 1 cup unsweetened almond milk 
• ½ cup canned coconut milk
• 1 scoop/packet vegan chocolate Shakeology
• 1 generous tablespoon shredded or powdered unsweetened coconut
• 1 teaspoon pure almond extract
• ½ to 1 cup crushed ice (if you have an amazing blender a handful of cubes will probably do it)

Put everything in a blender + let it go until smooth + creamy! I like pouring mine into blender bottles even when I made them in the blender, maybe because most of mine are actually brightly colored...but as long as your cup holds your shake any one will do! So pour it + like we always say, try not to drink it too terribly fast.

the summer swizzle June challenge

Oh yes, that's right, y'all! Got a couple southerners bringin' the action for the month of June! My fellow #TeamBTFP coach, Lanette, + myself are co-leading our June challenge groups!

Are you stoked? I'm so stoked.

You might not be thinking about the month of June too much yet, but let me tell you, I think you should. Mostly because we are going to be having so much fun getting fit, creating healthy habits, + kicking anything not good for our bodies, minds, or souls to the curb. Get that junk outta here, amiright?!

What am I even talking about? I'll tell you.

A challenge group is something that I + my other delightfully amazing teammates put on each month (some coaches even do more than one!) to create an environment of accountability for our beautiful, wonderful clients (that could be you!). One of my greatest obsessions in life is nutrition + health documentaries, + the one thing I've noticed that every single person who was struggling or failed to stick to their plan (in the healthy eating department especially) during the "real life interviews" says the same thing was or did hold them back: accountability. They just didn't have the support structure set up to succeed. That's what our challenge groups do, they create a supportive structure full of people with similar goals + needs. People that will encourage you + share with you + love on you when you need it.

+ seriously, it's like a party.

Lanette + I have so much fun in our groups that we decided to bring the party to the big room (I'm really feeling this party analogy, consider how much we'll be talking about food in these groups + how often you find yourself in the kitchen at a party...coincidence? I think not.) so that we can be just like senior year, only funner.

Legally Blonde...anyone? Anyone?!

Anyway...

As you can tell, we are so excited to share our combined knowledge, experience, + enthusiasm with our group. Plus it's sort of tiki themed, + who doesn't love that tiki vibe?

We'll be doing a combo of PiYo (my favorite, on sale this month!) + 21 Day Fix. You could do one, you could do the other, you could even do both (I am!), whatever works for you. So, I mean, if you're down to seriously kill it + have a real good time in so doing, I encourage you to sign up! If you look at the top of the page you'll see a tab that says "the challenge" + when you click on that tab it will take you to an application to join. Super easy, no trick questions, nothing crazy (except me a little, but it's the good kind that makes me hilarious).

Let's do this!

P.S. Our preseason will start the 1st of June, with workouts starting on Monday the 8th of June! If you have any questions or need way more specifics than that, hit me up via email: foxxandfeather@gmail.com

lasting change

Change is kind of a scary word sometimes, huh? I mean, when we really get down to it, usually the thing we most want to change starts in a place we don't want to go. It's buried in a dark basement + the swinging, bare bulb is busted + we need a flashlight + then we don't even know where to go when we get there.

It's tough + the real issues can be downright terrifying to confront.

I meet so many people that just want to "lose 5lbs" (or more), "have clearer skin," "get toned," or "just look different." I'll be honest, there's not always much I can do for you in the looks department (that might just be the nose you were born with, I think it's great, I hope you embrace it), + generally I'm not all that interested in reasons related to just losing a bunch of weight. Now, if your ultimate goal is weight loss, I'm so down to help you get there but I'm not gonna let you take the easy way out.

Because the easy way out doesn't even work. Shallow goals don't make for deep roots of lasting change. Crash diets may cut enough bloat out of your system to lose a few pounds, but they're coming right back as soon as you slip up + eat something salty or drink a soda. I can tell when you're scared because when I explain to you what I do as a coach you change the subject, or you make an excuse.

+ no, I don't judge you.

Because I understand.

I mentioned in my first post how I've been vegan for about 8 years. Well, that came with many many stops + starts along the way. I don't know how many times I tried out "vegetarianism" for a few hours or at most a couple days starting in high school + through college. + I mean, that's fair, right? Those are not really years that anyone is all to serious about anything (or at least I wasn't, I didn't even technically graduate high school). As much as I thought animals were important or recognised eating more vegetables would be way healthier than...well...anything I ate during that period (they served these hot pocket things in the cafeteria + I ate those almost every day, I know, the shame), it just wasn't something I wanted to really face in my life. Changing the way I ate would mean changing huge parts of my lifestyle.

I mean, I went to school in Alabama, y'all...eating veggie would mean never eating with my friends (or so I thought).

So uprooting my whole eating mindset meant uprooting what little social standing I had. I have always been an introvert, + one of the few places I could be comfortable was over a meal with a small gathering of friends in deep conversation.

But when confronted with a severe dairy allergy (cystic, painful skin reactions, not fun at all) I had to do something. I had already made a baby step + stopped eating meat, + began cutting dairy out followed by anything not plant-based. I researched vegan nutrition + general veganism even more, becoming more convicted + solidified in my decision.

Not only did my allergy clear up, but I felt better overall...+ I didn't lose any friends.

It's funny the thing we are most afraid of losing by changing sometimes is more irrational than any phobia of snakes, or spiders, or small spaces (or leeches, seriously I will never not be mad afraid of those).

Maybe it's just vanity that makes us want to change our outer appearance, so we'll never do any real work to actually make a difference. But I think most of the time it really does come down to fear. 

I want my friends + family to be healthy. I don't want them to leap from crash diet to weird fitness fad to "miracle pill." No, I don't pressure anyone to eat vegan, but I do encourage them to eat whole foods + get moving.

The unhealthiest thing I witness most of the time is how people think about diet + exercise. So it's a mental game before it ever becomes a physical one. You have to see the value of uprooting your existing deal + plant a better, sustainable way to live + grow. + you have to do it because you see the value of yourself, because being healthy isn't just going to help you lose a bunch of weight, it's going to give you the energy to pursue your passions, to find out what those are, even. It's going to start a ripple in you that spreads to the way you take on the world, your relationships, + your future. 

Being healthy isn't just about the size of your butt, is what I'm saying. You could have the tiniest waist + the fattest mind. I'm not here to just help you shave off ten pounds for your sisters wedding, I want you to feel like yourself, to see yourself lovingly without even looking in a mirror. I want you to feel strong + powerful + ready to take on all the good + bad + in between life throws at you.

Everyone should have that. You don't have to give up the things most important to you to live healthy + confront what's holding you back from doing so. You might even be surprised to find the people rooting you on, the relationships that improve, the new joys that meet you.

When it's right, it's right...+ you'll grow deep + strong + be unswayed by silly fads. As I go through my coaching business I am constantly reminded what a blessing it is to be encouraged to develop my mind just as much if not more than I develop my body. Your brain is a muscle that needs to get worked as much as any other part of you, + to create change that lasts it's where you have to start.

So, for sure, it can be scary to face those things that create bad habits. But when storms come along, wouldn't you rather have done it so that you're this big strong tree that doesn't get knocked down by the wind?

well well well

Here we are, first official post as foxx + feather on Blogger...

First posts are always a little weird are they not? They're exciting because "yay, something new!" but also a little nerve-wracking because "what do I even say?!"

So I guess the best thing to do is just get on with the introductions even though if you're reading this shortly after I post it, chances are we are already friends + you already love me + know lots of these things...if that's true, thanks mom! Always so supportive, feels like a hug from far away.

I digress. Let's talk about me.

I'm a lot of a gypsy, literally by ancestry + also in the way hipsters use it. I move around a lot, mostly having lived in the Bible belt + in Europe (sometimes Florida when I can't help it). Because of this I have a weird accent that Siri will never master + have an affinity for fried foods (I know, I know, you're like "wait, you're a health + fitness coach" + I'm just gonna be honest per usual + say, yeah, the struggle is so real) + good beer. Also vegan "brats" smothered in sauerkraut. Yes, vegan, you read that right, I've been one for about 8 years (I think, I'm terrible at keeping track of these things). Also, yes, I'm an ethical vegan which means I just don't believe in hurting living creatures for my food*...but no I don't want to argue about it + you are perfectly capable of making your own choices regarding that.

I use words like "rad" "stoked" "dude" + "awesome" way more often than someone with an English degree probably should. I also favor just writing the way I sound in life versus worrying about proper grammar constantly (that degree is seriously just a piece of paper that I don't know the location of, y'all). However, I do tend to use words like "however," so do with that what you will.

I do a lot of things. I am a birth doula, which means I provide support + advocate for a mama during her pregnancy + am on her team when she gives birth, doing what I can to make her comfortable + confident in getting the experience she wants (+ deserves as a person that grew another person inside of them + then raises that little person into a big person). I am also, in some ways not that far removed from doula life, a health + fitness coach. Once again, providing support + a team but in this capacity for anyone + everyone looking for the accountability to get healthy, lose weight, tone up, get stronger, or all of the above + then some. I'm passionate about both of these roles, I love being there to help navigate someone while they drive toward their goals + the triumph you can see in their eyes when "I think I can" turns into "holy cow, I did it, did you see that?!" + personally, I'm my own boss, which is awesome, you should try it.

Okay, okay, I'm sure you'll get to know me, my antics, + my hilarity more as we roll along with this little blog here (because I know you're gonna keep coming back, right?!). So you're probably wanting me to say a little something about what you'll find when you come back (promise you'll come back, don't leave me...).

Well...in some ways it'll be a little bit of everything, but mostly this is me sharing my journey with you. I'm still transforming through my role as a coach, so there will be lots of that...but the beauty of being at the beginning is getting to see where this goes + how it evolves on its own. My goal is to share, to inspire, to make you laugh, + all those other good things out there. There's already stuff I can't wait to bring to this space, jokes I can't wait to tell + light that I can't wait to shine, but I think this is a good spot to leave it for a first post.

xoxo
- Alexis

*I do have a dairy allergy as well. So there.