love at the end

Out of the gaslight

Off the roads we've travelled on

Down by the wayside

Against the sheen of Babylon

I've seen an empire

Taste the tempest of a gathering strong

But I found Love at the end of the world...

Chicago is many things. It is cold, in more than just the weather. It is alienating despite being full of connection. It is violent + loud. It is harsh + overwhelming.

It is really, really beautiful.

It is the end of the world in many ways.

My rabbit's runnin'

On the street hot heels of Rome

My hour's comin' to reconcile with the dawn...

I moved to Chicago full of hope + faith. Most everything fell into place + I knew it was the right thing. I have always had a tendency to just up + move if I hear a call wherever that may be.

It wasn't really my first choice. I really was more interested in quieter places, preferably in the South...but this was where I knew I was supposed to go. I wanted to find a place I could be quiet, I wasn't completely sold on this noisy place. But I was okay with it, I really loved the city + would get little heart palpitations when I saw the skyline (still do sometimes) + I had people I cared about there. God was taking me somewhere + I had lots of great feelings despite family members' concern over my safety in a crazy place like Chicago.

As much as I thought I had it all together, or all figured out...or wasn't concerned with details, maybe, I definitely was not prepared for what I was in for.

I'm on the brink

I'm on the brink

I'm on the brink

But I found Love at the end of the world...

I started losing things.

First, my shoulder required a second surgery, I was a prisoner to my body's failings again. 

Next, I wasn't able to return to work because of my shoulder.

Then, I couldn't pay my rent because I was out of work so I lost my space.

There was a darkness that I didn't notice folding around me.

I found myself struggling with myself. Or a version of myself I didn't recognize...she was bitter + negative + even I didn't like her at all.

It was cold.

I found myself confessing to someone close...

"I don't feel love..."

"But...you know you're loved, right?"

"Well, I know I'm loved," as I pointed to my head, "but I don't know I'm loved..." as I pointed to my heart. "I think maybe I'm just not wired that way, to know Love that way..."

Finally I lost my relationship of a year, my heart broke.

+ I had nothing.

Tell the reaper

Tell the repo man

I've got nothin' that belongs to him

Ruin pushes rubble in the city of sin

But I found Love at the end of the world...

I kept going.

I trusted + I had faith + I just kept moving forward.

I prayed + I fasted + I worshipped.

I found a job + a place to live.

But I hurt + I was afraid.

+ one night I realized I had to ask for the thing I wasn't sure I wanted, because I didn't know it. How can you know if you'll want something no one can explain + you've never experienced? But I had to ask. I made my case with tears streaming down my face + my hands clenched...

I remember asking God just to do it, to fill every crack in me with His Love. I told him I didn't really know what I was asking to get myself into, but I knew that if I didn't get it I would die. I said exactly that.

Out of the good night

I was born in to Your arms

Like You're my country

Like You're the hills where I belong...

I honestly don't remember if it was exactly the next day, but I found myself at my church. In service, during worship, of course.

I definitely had not know what I was asking for, but I was right that I needed it.

+ so He completely overwhelmed me with everything He is...which is Love. As we sang lines about amazing grace,  I sensed + knew that Love in every part of me.

Turns out we're all wired that way.

Even me.

Out of that good night

I was born into Your arms

You are my country

Like the hills where I...

I found Love at the end of the world...

I've never been one to listen to much "traditional" worship music, when I found artists I could connect to I felt this relief like "Oh, good, there's other weirdos like me out there..." John Mark McMillan was one of those artists for me, like someone was writing about real things.

During this time of my life, Borderland was in heavy rotation. I walked everywhere because I couldn't afford a CTA pass (thankfully, everything I had to get to was at most a 30 minute walk from my apartment...though there was often still snow), so I would just put my headphones in + sing + worship my way to my every destination. I could probably write volumes + novels about how almost every song on that album spoke into that period.

Shortly after God answered my prayer full force, I was walking to work. The weather had finally started to warm up after the polar vortex crushed us all, + the sun was shining as I enjoyed this usual trek. Chicago's skyline framed my whole view on my way to my job, + the sun lit it up perfectly that day.

As I stepped across an exit with no visible crosswalk, looking carefully so as not to be hit by a car trying to rush onto the highway to get to work, this song, "Love at the End" poured into my ears (I play my music pretty loud).

+ getting myself safely onto the sidewalk of the overpass, with some of my favorite landmarks in sight, I thought to myself, "I really did..."

+ then I lifted up my face + my hands, + grinned, + sang along...

Tell the reaper

Tell the repo man

I've got nothin' that belongs to him

Ruin pushes rubble in the city of sin

But I...

I found Love at the end of the world